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Nomura changes careers… to save the earth

Word has it that exiting Rakuten Eagles manager Katsuya Nomura is about to embark on a completely different career path after the season ends this fall.  Sources say that The Japanese Baseball Hall of Fame member is planning to undergo a variety of projects unrelated to baseball.

First off, Nomura plans to tour Japan to conduct (de)motivational speeches at various companies, high schools, and kindergartens.  With quotes like the following, it's easy to predict his success at completely demoralizing his listeners.

This team is missing a lot of things.  You shouldn't get too high on this roster and think that they'll be able make second again.  Make no mistake, this team will be in last place next season.  We were lucky this year. (Yakyu Baka)

Afterward, the 74-year-old will assist in setting up a suicide hot-line for troubled youth, providing the most efficient way to end the pain so they no longer waste his, or anyone else's time.

Internationally, Nomu-san is rumoured to resume the efforts of Victor Conte's BALCO in an effort to further tarnish the reputation of Major League Baseball, thereby halting the flow of NPB players to America.

Last but not least, Katsu-kun will make his way out to the Gaza Strip and the West Bank to mediate negotiations between the Israelis and Palestinians.  During the course of these negotiations Nomura will sufficiently demoralize both parties to the extent that neither group will no longer stake claims to these territories.  In halting the decades-long conflict, Nomura will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  He will later criticize the prize, stating that his 5 Pacific League MVP awards were a far greater accomplishment.  In the land now vacated by the Palestine/Israeli conflict, Nomura will build the world's largest entertainment center, Nomuland, where visitors can attempt to hit and field baseballs.  The insults will differ depending on whether you succeed or fail at the games.

(If you haven't figure it out by now, this is a parody piece. The only thing that's true is the quote.  It's just asinine that he would say that just before his team started the playoffs, but that's just how Nomu-dogg rolls.)